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Kortalh.com
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Jesse Tessmer is the author of numerous short stories in the speculative fiction
genres, as well as the monthly comedy column, The Grouch Potato.
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Grouch Potato #1, October 2007
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Discuss
Dear Grouch,
I normally like to visit Wal-Mart at least twice a day, but ever since the McCleary Bridge has been shut down, that number has been cut in half. How am I supposed to watch for falling prices from all the way across Lake Wausau?
- Headlong Hannah
Hannah,
As a fantastic Englishman once wrote, "one does not simply walk into Wal-Mart". Making the pilgrimage to the most holy of all temples requires great sacrifice, and the $9.2 million bridge construction cost was only the beginning.
You might consider taking up a hobby as a gondolier. Those famous Venetian boats have served their people well for over three hundred years, but have never quite caught on here in America. You might even start a new fad, like iPods, Starter jackets, or those metal bracelets that you slap on your wrist.
Better yet, take the initiative and establish a pontoon-based ferry company. At the rate that most construction is finished in the greater Wausau area, you'll be setting your family up for generations to come.
If all else fails, the first transparently-thin layer of ice is just around the corner -- which means, of course, that you can travel safely across the frozen lake with an overloaded pickup truck.
But whatever you do, avoid County Highway R at all costs. The Grouch needs his daily dose of lead-flavored toothpaste, and he cannot afford to have that road stopped up by gawkers and ne'er-do-wells.
Dear Grouch,
I love Facebook, but now that they've removed the default Course List application, I can't find my classmates. Where can I find drunken bikini photos of that hot blonde girl from Psych 201?
- Curious George
George,
Contrary to popular awareness, the art of Facebook Stalking has been around since the late 1800s, when John D. Rockefeller, Jr. would hire footmen to follow various attractive women in their day-to-day activities throughout New York City. As the day progressed, the footman would wire telegraphs to Mr. Rockefeller detailing the various changes and whims she experiences. For example:
"Why, that new dress is a real corker STOP but I'll be in the soup if I spend a whole $7 on it! STOP"
Of course, Rockefeller wasn't the only person to make use of the latest in technology in order to heart his crush. Indeed, Alexander Graham Bell's famous invention was initially created entirely for this reason. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.
So, in answer to your question: The Grouch wouldn't know of such things, as he prefers to spend his free time grouching rather than perving. In other words, I haven't the slightest. But if history tells us anything, it's that men will always be chasing the ladies, and that the ladies will always regret Saturday nights.
Dear Grouch,
Now that it's October, I've been desperately searching for a new imitation Christmas tree. Unfortunately, while most stores around town do carry plenty of wreaths and wrapping paper, none seem to have any trees. Do you know how I can get one at a decent time, or do I have to wait until that godforsaken month of December?
- Earl Eybird
Earl,
I feel your pain. There're less than three months left until Christmas -- that's only a quarter of the year. Frankly, I'm not even sure how those November shoppers do it. You're cutting it awfully close to the deadline, people!
Of course, what most people fail to realize is how great those January sales are. Is everyone nowadays too busy with their lols and their https that they can't put a little effort into foresight? Buy your gifts on December 26th, stick them in your basement, and leave them until the following year. You'll save a bundle!
Here's another helpful holiday tip: Buy your chocolates and flowers in mid-December. They might not still be in tip-top condition come February 14th, but boy, what a discount!
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